


[S] Hunger: Get dunked on.

by enigmaticEditor



Category: Homestuck, The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Gen, also all relationships listed are mentioned but not necessarily focused on, and the lucretia/kanaya is implied and with rose's full knowledge and consent, and turned 100 words of notes into this monstrosity, anyway so i got hit by the Good At Writing sledgehammer at 3am, god forbid the kiddos read the f word, it works okay don't @ me, the teen rating is there mainly because of language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-27 17:21:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,409
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15689931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/enigmaticEditor/pseuds/enigmaticEditor
Summary: Seven morons in a boat run into a giant amphibian and get to know its inhabitants.





	[S] Hunger: Get dunked on.

**Author's Note:**

> This has probably been done but that won't stop me. Enjoy.

The crew of the Starblaster had seen a lot over the years, but nothing prepared them for finding a colossal frog in place of the usual planar system.

"Hey, what the fuck?"

Taako was the first to react, and after that, there was really nothing else to say. Lucretia began furiously sketching. Davenport shrugged and took hold of the wheel, and the Starblaster descended.  


The frog became larger and larger until suddenly it ceased to be comprehensible, and then they found themselves approaching a planet orbiting a plain yellow star. Lup and Barry tensed, and then looked at each other for confirmation. They nodded.

Davenport had barely entered the atmosphere when there was a flash of green and they found themselves on the ground. The Starblaster had been carefully placed in a meadow, with no signs of civilization to be found. A split second later, another flash deposited a figure thirty feet from the bow of the ship. As the crew watched, the woman's clothes shifted from casual attire into a regal garb of black, emblazoned with a spiral. She seemed fairly normal, except...  


Taako had sharper eyes than most.

"Hey, Magnus, we found your ideal woman."

Magnus peered intently at the figure now approaching them and raising a hand in greeting.

"Not nearly enough dog."

 

The woman cocked her head in interest.

JADE: light of creation?

"Yes," said Lup. "We're here to recover it. It won't fall for a few days yet, but it looks like-"

"How are you talking in color?" Taako interrupted.

JADE: um

"What are you on about?" asked Merle.

Taako pouted. "Never mind."

Davenport shoved his way past the taller members of the crew to look up at the dog-eared woman. "Take us to your leader," he said.

The twins facepalmed. The girl herself let out a short barking laugh.

JADE: sure, ok!

The world turned green again and they found themselves outside a plain-looking house.

JADE: HEY JOHN

Merle grunted and eyed the house warily before shaking his head and relaxing. No response came.

JADE: JOHN GET OUT HERE

Nothing.

JADE: ugh. is he asleep in the middle of the day again? he really needs to get out more!

She snapped her fingers, and a figure wearing pajamas was unceremoniously dumped on the concrete driveway. He sat up suddenly, rubbing his eyes. He looked fairly similar to the girl, and seemed to be in his early twenties as well.

JOHN: jade, what the hell?

Jade pulled him to his feet and pointed to the IPRE crew.

JOHN: i have no idea what that is!

JADE: oh right

She warped his glasses onto his face. He adjusted them and then blinked.

JOHN: oh.

His pajamas blurred and he assumed a sky-blue outfit with a trailing hood. This one bore a wispy-looking symbol.

"Alright, I'm just going to ask. Are you guys superheroes?" Taako seemed excited by the prospect.

JADE: well... kinda! or gods, i suppose! its sort of a long story, and i really dont think im the best person to tell it!

"Then, who, might I ask, is?" came Lucretia's careful voice from somewhere in the back.

JADE: youll meet her, i promise!

She nudged John.

JOHN: oh right

He pulled out his phone.

ectoBiologist opened memo on board godsquad 

EB: hey we got aliens

turntechGodhead [TG] responded to memo.

TG: what do their dicks look like

carcinoGeneticist [CG] responded to memo.

CG: DAVE.

John sighed.

JOHN: sorry guys we don't really know how to handle this. give us a bit to get everyone together okay?

"We find your terms acceptable," said Davenport. The twins rolled their eyes.

 

Some time later, everyone of note was gathered in Jade's atrium, lounging in a circle of couches summoned from various houses. Davenport explained the mission of the IPRE crew. The news of the impending attack sombered the mood somewhat, before a woman in deep blue spoke up.

ROXY: u know i can probably just hide us

Lup turned to her. "Hide?"

ROXY: yeah its kinda my thing

She waggled her hands.

ROXY: whoosh. universe hidden. nah i dunno if i could hide the whole universe. but i could try and if we throw this hunger guy off ur scent he might not get it again for a while. u could even stick around here. the more the merrier right

Most of the crew paused for a moment to consider this, but Lup shook her head. "We're working to defeat the Hunger, we need it following us. I know this is a lot to ask, but we need it to attack so we can escape. I would offer to stay behind and help defend the planet until I'm pulled away, except-"

She waggled her hands, imitating Roxy.

"-my magic doesn't work here. Barry and I felt it when we entered; we're powerless."

Lucretia, Davenport, Taako, and Merle sat up. Each tried, with varying degrees of subtlety, to cast some simple spell. Nothing worked.

Barry spoke up, facing the rest of his crew. "This also means my wife and I would prefer if any practical jokes were significantly less lethal this year. We don't have our usual backup."

Taako fumed. "It was ONE time, Barold! And there was only a week left anyway. And you DID somehow manage to 'accidentally' resurrect the chicken I was nearly done cooking. That thing almost pecked my eyes out."

"Anyway, my guess is that due to the unusual composition of your universe- which I would just LOVE to hear an explanation for- the plane of magic isn't distinct enough for us to access," Lup continued.

A short but scary-looking woman in orange sat up straight and looked intently at Lup.

ROSE: Plane of magic, you say? Not to mention your "backup." Hmm. We'll have to discuss this in detail later. But for now, I believe you all are due an explanation. I'll try to be brief.

Roughly twenty minutes later, the only sound was that of Magnus snoring. Barry, for his part, was grinning with excitement. "Biological universal propagation? In a way that the Hunger might not even be able to touch? You have my attention, Ms. Lalonde."

The Seer of Light chuckled.

ROSE: It's Mrs., technically.

She took the hand of the tall horned woman beside her, who turned a little greener.

ROSE: We have to be off, but rest assured Kanaya and I will find a way to excuse ourselves from our usual duties and investigate this further.

KANAYA: Dear. I Can Handle It. The Caverns Will Be Fine With Only One Of The Matriarchs Present. Just Promise To Remember To Not Get So Wrapped Up In This Latest Adventure That You Forget Basic Necessities

ROSE: Of course. You need not worry at all.

KANAYA: I Doubt That But Proceed

It didn't take long for the gathered deities to disperse, some bringing along one of the new arrivals.

 

No one ever told Jake English and Magnus Burnsides that it's opposites, not likes, that are supposed to attract. Not in the romantic way, of course, but their friendship was quick to form and stronger than steel. Jake gained both a sparring partner and an ally for even more over-the-top battles with robots constructed by his boyfriend. For his part, Dirk Strider avoided the newcomers, citing his failure to interact properly with the people he already knew. One day, after smashing a particularly fiesty automaton into scrap metal, Jake turned to Magnus.

JAKE: You know i think i might just have figured it out!

"Uh, what?" asked Magnus. This was unusual. Conjecture was not either of their strong suits.

JAKE: Why were best buds! Youre a hope player too! Or you would be, i guess.

"I'm a what?" Magnus hadn't really bothered to learn the details of his new friend's story. It was the present that mattered more.

Jake explained as best he could.

JAKE: And theres twelve of them, see? Hope, heart, void, life, breath... uh. Light... Sorry i dont really know all of them! But looking at you i can just picture you in the yellow briefs too!

Magnus didn't know how to respond to this. Jake blushed.

JAKE: Not like that! I believe if YOU believed you might just find that belief becoming slightly less of a fake thing and more of a real thing! Were two strapping gentlemen who can do anything they put their minds to!

Magnus considered this. "That checks out."

No more theories were shared, but many, many robots were destroyed over the course of that year.

 

Searching for a quiet place to work, Lucretia found herself drawn to the carapacians. Friendly and simple folk, they made good companions for the lonely journal keeper. One day, however, on a venture into the section of the planet dominated by trollkind, she discovered what she later learned were the brooding caverns.

KANAYA: Excuse Me

Lucretia whirled around, and then had to cover her eyes.

KANAYA: Would You Mind Extinguishing That Torch? The Mother Grubs Chamber Is Not Far Ahead And She Is Not Fond Of Most Kinds Of Light

Lucretia complied, and as her eyes readjusted, she recognized the figure before her, though the troll was significantly more... luminous than she remembered. "The other Mrs. Lalonde, correct?"

Kanaya laughed, a low and gentle sound.

KANAYA: Usually I Say It Is Mrs. Maryam But Yes That Is Correct. Were You Looking For Me Or Are You Lost?

"I was just exploring, I want to see everything I can. It's my job to record every detail of our journey. I'm sorry, I'll leave if I'm intruding." Lucretia hesitated, then asked the question foremost in her mind. "Can all trolls glow? It's... beautiful."

KANAYA: Thank You. And No Just Me And A Select Few Like Me. It Has Its Drawbacks But Is Quite Useful In Our Duties In The Caverns. As For Your Mission I Am Happy To Escort You Through The Caverns If You Wish. The Role Of A Historian Is An Important One

They spent a great deal of time together over the next few months. Kanaya urged Lucretia to not devote herself to a story which had already been documented in full by another, but welcomed any questions she may have. Kanaya found herself drawn to her, as she always had with those so clearly Light-bound. The fire hidden in Lucretia's eyes was all too familiar. Rose gave her blessing for their friendship.

ROSE: And whatever else may arise. ;)

 

Davenport made a point of spending time with each of the four kingdoms. He was particularly fond of the consorts, and had many an enjoyable tea party with the dear little fellows. Often accompanying him was one John Egbert, having been forced out of seclusion by his sister under the premise that he must act as an ambassador to the new arrivals. It did both of them good.

JOHN: so i guess you might not be the most important, or the most interesting, or the one who kills the big bad or whatever, but you can still be the leader.

"I suppose," Davenport said, sipping his tea. He patted a nearby crocodile, which nakked in appreciation. "I will admit, I can't help but feel a little dwarfed at times. Even by Merle. I guess I feel like I got nothing. Nothing special. I'm just a figurehead."

JOHN: that's fine! you're their leader and their friend. you tie them together. even if you have to step back and let others take charge, you'll still be there to lead them when it matters. you don't need to be the best, just do YOUR best.

Davenport nodded. "You know what? Thanks, kid. That's some solid advice there. I'd heard you give good speeches and you did not disappoint."

JOHN: um, thanks. i guess just remember... you're davenport. you have your own identity, independent of what role you play. i had a friend once who sank so far into her assigned identity that i think she forgot that she had choices. sometimes it's better to just be happy than be important.

Davenport remembered this. John kept it in mind.

 

Some friendships require very few words. Merle Highchurch knows this best, and he found excellent company in the form of another older gentleman, surname Crocker. Merle slept with one eye open around him at first, afraid that the man might take a razor to his beard in the dead of night. It became clear with time that Mr. Crocker simply found his own whiskers intolerable, and had no nefarious plans to eradicate those of others. Months were spent in quiet contemplation, with the occasional break for confections. Merle was reminded of the pleasures of a simple life, something he resolved to seek out more actively.

 

ROSE: So if we managed to separate the planes into the arrangement you're used to, we might be able to access magic in the way you do?

There was a dancing light in her eyes. Barry found it a little frightening. "Yes, and it would likely break the cycle of propagation previously established. You have to consider what you'd be unleashing, however. I'm the last person to give lectures about the perils of magic; I'm a damn lich. But there is real present danger in it. It allowed for the formation of the Hunger, for starters. Not to mention some of the devastated worlds we've visited."

Rose blinked, and slowly the light in her eyes calmed.

ROSE: As eager as I am to break this particular cycle, I have to admit letting loose that kind of power is... unwise. I'll find another way.

"But don't you have your own magic? Light, Void, Heart, Mind, Life, Doom, Time, Space, Blood, Breath, Hope and Rage? They weave together to create your reality, as you've said. A different arrangement of the same forces. Don't you wield those just as we do our eight schools?"

ROSE: Yes, but control of these powers is only gifted to those fated for the Game.

ROSE: ...

ROSE: I wonder if that's really true. You have a sharp mind, Mr. Bluejeans.

"Please never call me that," Barry groaned.

ROSE: Very well, Barold. Now, I think I have some ideas for both our situations, and your input would be greatly appreciated.

If Rose had her way, Skaia's days were numbered. The fresh perspective granted by the scientists of IPRE forwarded her cause significantly.

 

Lup NEEDED to blow something up. The absence of magic was affecting her far more than any of the others. She lived and breathed it. She couldn't live an ordinary existence, bound to the earth and its rules. So when a figure wearing a jetpack crashlanded in the meadow near the Starblaster, she didn't wait for the troll to get up before beginning her inquisitive assault.

"I'm sorry but where did you get that? It looks rad as hell."

TEREZI: >:?

"...Okay. I think my brother might be onto something. How exactly did you do that?"

TEREZI: DO WH4T?

"Ugh, never mind. This is giving me a headache. Original question: where did you get that?”

TEREZI: 1 4LCH3M1Z3D 1T.

"You what?"

It was, perhaps, not the wisest of choices to give a bored pyromaniac access to an alchemiter. But on the scale of terrible decisions Terezi Pyrope had made in her life, it ranked fairly low.

"Fuuuuuck yes," Lup drawled, having just created what appeared to be the most overpowered sword in existence.

TEREZI: D4V3'S SWORD, 4 SCORP1ON, ON3 OF SOLLUX'S SH1TTY N1NJ4 ST4RS, 4ND 4 PHOTO OF YOURS3LF. 1MPR3SS1V3. 1 WOND3R WH1CH P4RTS C4M3 FROM WH1CH...

She gave Lup a sniff.

TEREZI: PURPL3. F1GUR3S...

"Yeah, I can still barely understand you, you know. You seem cool though."

TEREZI: >:]

ROXY: whatre yall getting up to in here. oh hey terezi so you met the aliens?

TEREZI: 4L13NS???

A short explanation yielded little change in their planned activities.

ROXY: man i havent had a good alchemy sesh in a long time, you guys down?

TEREZI: FUCK Y3S

"Definitely."

The sword was tossed aside, and Roxy ended up deconstructing it for the ludicrous amount of grist it cost to create. She wondered idly where such objects go, and decided that it really didn't matter.

 

Unlike his sister, Taako relaxed in the absence of magic. His first instinct drove him to seek out a fellow artisan of his kind, but Jane Crocker would tolerate no rivalry. The usually shy Maid turned fierce when challenged, and Taako frankly didn't feel like dealing with that. Instead, he found himself lounging in the abode of one Dave Strider. They got along quite well, though one incident shortly into his stay on Strider turf shook things up a bit.

"Dude, we had that a week ago."

DAVE: yeah so

Taako was flabbergasted. "But. A week ago. That's boring?"

DAVE: nah

DAVE: i've just been alchemizing the same like ten meals on repeat the past few years

DAVE: easier than cooking

DAVE: or making decisions

DAVE: or wait what are you doing

Taako gripped Dave by the shoulders. "Homie. No. Absolutely not."

DAVE: uh

Taako looked him dead on, gazing unblinkingly into the shades.

"Where's your kitchen?"

Some time later, Jade wandered in after a pleasant few hours spent working in her garden. She found their shared kitchen in pandemonium, multiple time duplicates of one of her boyfriends being ordered around by an elf. "Now you go ahead and set that oven to 400 degrees. You over there, pass me three eggs. This is how you make a fucking souffle, Strider. Keep taking notes."

Jade shrugged and walked out. She pulled out her phone and informed her other boyfriend of the situation.

CG: I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART TO TELL HIM HOW GROSS HIS CULINARY HABITS WERE. I'M GLAD SOMEONE DID. JUST BECAUSE WE WERE ALL RAISED BY ANIMALS DOESN'T MEAN WE SHOULD EAT LIKE THEM.

GG: fair point! forgive me if i still favor mildly irradiated steaks though :p

CG: I DON'T EVEN HAVE THE TIME TO BEGIN TO EXPLAIN WHY THAT DOESN'T MAKE ANY SENSE. BUT WHATEVER. I HAVE A PLANET TO RUN SO YOU ALL DON'T HAVE TO. KEEP AN EYE ON THEM AND INFORM ME IF IT GETS OUT OF HAND.

GG: will do!

The cacophony from the kitchen slowly faded to the clinking of silverware.

DAVE: okay this is good

"See?!"

 

A year passed, and the time came to leave. Goodbyes were said, tears were shed, and the IPRE crew blasted off. As the Hunger descended, it found a particularly well-defended world. The Light of Creation was long gone, snatched out of the sky before it could even land and dropped with a flash of green at Lup's feet. But that was the least of the Hunger's problems. It could barely seem to find the world it was targeting. It was oddly hazy and indistinct, as if viewed through a thick fog. Pillars sent down were simply redirected to the empty ocean. The planes were fused in such a way that prying them apart was impossible, or perhaps the Hunger just didn't know how to do it. It might have tried harder to figure it out, if it hadn't been first blasted by an immense beam of unreasonably hopeful energy, then had its core soul ripped right out. The orator once known as John materialized briefly, thoroughly confused, in front of a crowd of brightly colored entities. A small, winged green figure leveled a perfectly white pistol and fired, and the Hunger vanished. It was far from a fatal blow, but by the time the dark conglomerate had recovered from the shock, the Light of Creation had moved on. Ingrained in the collective memory of the Hunger was a new directive: _Avoid frogs._

The seven figures aboard the Starblaster watched the feeble attack of their enemy, its quick expulsion from the plane. They cheered. This was the happiest they'd been at the close of a cycle in many, many years, and they would have ridden that wave of joy into the next universe, except Taako cleared his throat.

"I have... an announcement."

All eyes went to the elf.

"It's very important that you all listen very carefully to what I have to say."

He cleared his throat again.

TAAKO: check this shit out

There was a pause.

"Never do that again," said Lup. The rest nodded solemnly, and they left the plane behind.

 

Years later, the story and song echoed throughout reality, and the gods of Earth smiled.

**Author's Note:**

> Bragging rights and absolutely nothing else to the first person who correctly lists the aspects I assigned to each of the IPRE crew. Some are given, or inherently obvious, some you gotta read carefully for. And yeah, I took some liberties and taught Jade and Kanaya how to use some fucking punctuation. This already took nearly as long to format as it did to write and separating out every one of their sentences would have been annoying. Other than that I tried to stick to everyone's usual typing styles.
> 
> Edit: How dare Griffin come up with an in-canon explanation for the FPRSoD only a few short weeks after I posted this. The nerve of the man, honestly. That liveshow was fantastic, but personally, I like my version better.


End file.
